 
[pop up]
As reality sets in I'm finding it harder to breathe . . . this is a really rough week aproaching - i have little money of my own and i am moving into my new place on halloween - i start to panic when i do things like this. i do things before i fully think them thru - taking risks and thinking i will regret it later if i dont. i am completely unstable and incapable of being responsible - i hope and i pray that i will get a fucking clue or else i will start to sink real quick. - - - - - - i keep trying to tell myself that things are going to work out but the evidence is too strong to ignore. i need to watch my steps. . . so yesterday was totally weird - vanessa and i worked early am shifts then we went to her house and chilled out and made enchildas which was awesome lol then we went back to work to meet alex - so then next thing i know nate and jr show up and then we all end up over in the hills somewhere in los altos to go hang out or sumthing like that. it was like a fucking convention of starbucks workers it was strange anywho i get to move into my house on halloween - which i am stoked about - i am a little scared that ill basically be living on my own but im excited. i cant wait. i have started to pack my things but honestly i dont have much to really pack lol. oh and i had my interview for my promotion with our district manager today and it went super awesome - now all i need to do is take a new partner thru core and i can start my trianing as a shift :) wow besides minor things life has been fairly good to me. I do realize that i miss certain people i used to be close to and now we hardly ever talk :( anywho - this boy at work just gave me a case with like over 100 cds of goth/industrial music - he probably stole them but oh well. - so the opeth show is on tuesday - at the fillmore - i will be there for sure. well im bored and i gtg so maybe ill update later. so the storm has calmed when it comes to my moving situation - things are finally going according to plan - i recently watched that movie Alexander and it was really awesome after i saw it i was lookin online and came across Jared Leto's band called 30 seconds to mars - i really really like them and plus hes super hot so i mean u really can't go wrong lol so i command u to listen oh hell yah - tiny rox!!! check this shit out!  thanks d00d i love you!! why is it that the people i trust always seem to hurt me the most??? . . . things have been going so well as of late i should have known something bad was bound to happen. i mean work has been good - i got my review and in 2 months i will be promoted - i actually have money and im not poor lol and i have been totally stoke about moving - so of coarse she had to fuck it up. i should have known better. i have just about a month to find a new roomate because the "wonderful" one i had lined up turned out to be irresponsible totally not dependable. i don't care to talk about the incedents that took place the last 2 days but let me tell u that they are unforgivable - since i have meet this person i have put my neck on the line for her and i have done all that i could for her and she refuses to realize that she needs to grow up and be a big girl - so whatever i'll find someone else and if i don't then i'll jump off a really high bridge somewhere - because i will be damn if i can't move in and then noel gets the place. slowly my life is falling back down but i am trying so hard not to let it *shrug* i'll figure it out somehow so today is my friend, and future roomate's birthday. things started off ok at work this morning we started making plans to maybe go to dinner later then after she got off she was going to go home and change and come back when i got off. When she finally came back like an hour after i actually got off work - she had her "boyfriend" with her - she was totally upset about something - so then she took this guy home and she was just telling me about all the shit that they have been thru - how even thru everything she truely cares about him and hopes they can be together someday. and to me that sounds like bullshit i can't comprehend how u can love someone who is only hurting you. i have seen this over and over and over again with the people (mainly girls) i choose to hang around with. still it does not make sense to me - i have never been in that situation and i don't see myself ever getting there. i don't know if thats a bad thing - i have just seen a lot of shit growing up that taught me to never rely on anyone to make u happy b/c u will always be dissapointed - quite possibly not the best motto to live by but i can tell u that i have never spent nights crying over a boy or wanting to die b/c i don't think someone loves me. i am not sure why this has sparked so much drama in me but it has - there is only one person who i know can relate to what i am saying because i know they have been thru the almost exact same experiences and has seen the same things as i have - other than that i expect the rest of the people to think i sound cold hearted and have never cared about anyone before. i dont have to explain my self to tell u that i do care about people but i don't depend on them to make me feel a certain way - if that makes sense - i could go on for days about the things i have learned just from listening to what people say. Most people i know tell me that i am quite or i don't talk much - its because i am always the one listening to and taking in what other people have to say. . . anywho - im finally at home after stayin with my friend to be there for her like friends should do. its been an exhaisting and emotionally draining day. i know she wants to go out tonight because its her 21st birthday but i don't think i would be putting myself in a good situation if i do that plus i open tomorrow so i can't stay out late. i am tired of typing so im done for now so wow i am getting my own place nov 1st - after all the drama noel has caused i am not longer upset but i will never speak to her again - im super stoked - and i am totally gunna have a party after i move in and none of stephanies ugly friends r invited lol but anywho NOVEMBER 1ST im excited other than that i saw that emily rose movie and it sux so dont bother seeing it - its lame - i have a lot of shit to do to get ready to move but im just takin my time cuz now im working a lot more hours so i can have at least some money to spend cuz the rest im saving for my god damn new place so peace im out cuz i open tomorrow so i think i have returned to a state of normalcy after what happened friday and sat night. anywho things have not gotten any easier - the deception has only begun - or so it seems - i guess ced is suppose to be living here which means all of his friends live here too now - and sorry but that doesnt work for me - i want my own place of course i have a roomate in mind but i have yet to decide whether or not they are reliable or just another fucking druggie. i really dont know how i end up in these situations but it seems to be my luck - but yes - i am on my way to my aunts to participate in this oh so festive holiday then maybe ill go to the movies or some shit so wholey fuck these last few days have been so bizaare for me. i locked my keys in my car a-fucking-gain yes i am retarded then i was driving with my mom in her and some chick rear ended me which was a fucking trip and a half - it was no way my fault it was all her so no worries there but its still shitty - so after that i went to hang out with a friend since their mom was out of town - i was exposed to something that i haven't seen for sometime. i thought it wasnt going to affect me but im retarded to think so becuase it did and now i am blown away - some shit has been put into perspective but i still struggle to make the right decisions about fucking exposing myself to this shit - life is settling in - i am 20 years old and i have no idea what i am doing - i feel like i am constantly hiding and i can not take it - this is not who i am and it will never be - i know i have choices but its hard for me - i am only fucking human - i make mistakes - FUCK im so tired of the way things are going and i need to motivate myself to change because nothing is going to get better on its own - i feel like i dont have many people i can relate to - i have friends but it runs deeper than that and now i am loosing myself in "my incohesive ramblings" i just needed to vent and i know the only people who read this are the people who already sorta know what is really going on. - there are things i will never talk about with even the people closest to me because i can not deal with them myself - and that is a choice i make - so whatever im just going off the handle and im going to stop. things will get better or maybe they wont i really dont know but thats life and im not tryin to sound all fuckin depressed so dont take it as that - im just sayin things that go on in my crazy head - believe me there are a million other thoughts that i could write forever about - sooooooo many things that im not even going to get into it - and i wish to talk to certain people but it seems only at their conveinance so whatever. - im coming down after some really bad caffiene-ness right now - thats what u get when u work mornings at starbucks. so i am still alive and there is a new layout - hopefully i will be updating more and adding new shit i don't know we'll see - anywho things have been alright - i turned 20 ten days ago and i am now trying to save money to get my own place so i dont have to live with my cousin anymore - it will take awhile but it will happen . . . other than that things have been the same - i am working and just been hangin out with ang and vanessa basically thats it. im about to see a movie right now so im out |